Truth In Satire

12 Places Considered Safe Zones For Americans During The Coming Exodus

The Greek island of Lesbos, the crater of the active Sangay volcano in Ecuador, and the Vatican basement will be good places to hide

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The Sangay Volcano in Ecuador is often snow-covered, which helps mitigate the effects of sprayed, molten lava when you’re residing inside the rim of its crater.

With east and west coast secession now seeming unlikely before the Trump regime takes control on January 20th, it is not too early to plan your departure from the United States.

Several international refugee organizations have deemed the following 12 locations around the globe as safe places to flee for Americans who identify as black, Hispanic, female, Muslim, Democrat, vegan, Jewish, progressive, pacifist, members of the media, homosexual, liberal or lesbian.

THE MARIANNAS TRENCH, MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN: Once you’ve arrived at the deepest point in the western Pacific Ocean, you’ll be well out of reach. Keep in mind though, that you’re almost seven miles underwater here, so it’s going to be mighty cold — dress in layers. And there is no WiFi at this depth, so you’ll also need some form of high-pressure, marine hydrophone to communicate with asylum negotiators on the surface. Chance of discovery by Trump’s dive units is considered minimal as long as you stay submerged for at least six months.

THE GREEK ISLAND OF LESBOS: Located in the northeastern Aegean Sea, this popular vacation spot has been considered friendly to the LBGTQ community for a dozen centuries. Lesbos also contains one of the few known petrified forests in the world. If Trump forces close in, you’ll be directed by refugee intermediaries to hide in the forest, pretending to be petrified stumps and logs until the heat is off.

INSIDE THE CRATER OF THE SANGAY VOLCANO IN ECUADOR: Not nearly as hot as many of the world’s other active volcanoes, Americans in exile should be able to remain concealed inside the crater of the Sangay volcano without fear of scalding or accidental lava encasement — provided there are no sudden eruptions. The Ecuadorian government has told American asylum seekers that if they can protect Julian Assange in their London Embassy for three years, their volcano can do the same for American fugitives who were the direct victims of his cyber subterfuge.

BARRON’S ROOM, NYC: Former Trump employees say that Barron’s suite of rooms in Trump Tower is one place that Donald Trump never visits and will never go. They call it a completely secure place for up to 25 Americans to take refuge for months at a time. They further advise that if Melania ever discovers them hiding in Barron’s quarters, they should simply say they are housekeeping staff tidying up after the young master. This would not be questioned by the future first lady, as Barron has almost 100 attendants currently.

“LOST CITY OF THE MONKEY GOD” IN HONDURAS: Refugee relocation experts agree that this lost jungle city would be an ideal place to hide if only someone could find it. Located in the rain forests of Honduras, somewhere near the remote valley of Mosquitia, if you do stumble upon the monkey god city, please get word back to America so other fleeing citizens can join you. Bring malaria medication.

THE VATICAN BASEMENT IN ROME, ITALY : Like Barron’s Room, the sacred Vatican City and St. Peter’s Basilica are places Trump has never been to and will never go. No interest. Pope Francis, communicating secretly with exodus organizers, has told them that the Vatican basement, lined with five miles of ancient Christian scrolls and religious documents, is not spacious but it is climate-controlled. He has invited up to 300 American escapees to bring sleeping bags and hunker down in the catacombs through Christmas 2017. The Pope said he would also pray that the Second Coming comes soon, or else, in his words, “Siamo in grand difficolta,” loosely translated as, “we’re all in deep shit.”

ILHA DA QUEIMADA GRANDE, KNOWN AS “SNAKE ISLAND,” OFF THE COAST OF BRAZIL: Just 93 miles from downtown São Paulo, this island is so densely inhabited with poisonous pit vipers, the Brazilian Navy has forbidden anyone from landing here for decades. Which is precisely the reason why Americans should pack their venom kits and rush to Snake Island. It is well-known that Donald Trump is as frightened of snakes as he is of stiff offshore breezes and resorts without hairspray. So he isn’t going to follow you down here. Watch your step getting off the dingy however, as locals estimate there is one lethal lancehead snake per meter on the island. Be sure to wear steel-toed shoes…and Kevlar over everything else.

SLOVENIA, ALL OF IT: In 2014, Mr. Trump had a huge fight with his mother-in-law, had her banished from New York to her home in Slovenia, and said he never wanted to see her again. So you’ll be completely off his radar here. Bonus: they make very good wine in Slovenia.

RIISER-LARSEN ICE SHELF, ANTARCTICA: With an average temperature of -90ºF, this uninviting habitat is not worth developing for a Trump spa resort or golf course, and has no promotable features for a ski getaway either. Translation: Trump-proof. Refugee advocates are hoping to build several field camps on the ice shelf before the Antarctic winter sets in this June. Reminder: the bottom of the world is no place to flee if you get chapped lips or are sensitive to frostbite. Hearty Americans of Scandinavian descent are the best candidates for these South Pole refugee camps.

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND: Last year, when 600,000 Britons signed a petition to keep Donald Trump out of his mother’s homeland, most of the votes came from Glasgow, where he is deeply hated. Members of Parliament slammed the new American president with labels like “dangerous fool,” “buffoon,” and “wazzock.” So if Trump or anyone associated with him steps foot in Glasgow, they’ll get some serious bagpipes shoved up their kilts. Scotsmen have been sending secret messages to their American brethren inside boxes of Walkers Shortbread cookies with plans for a mass evacuation to Glasgow. They say they can accommodate up to 250,000 U.S. exiles.

HOME OF ROSIE O’DONNELL, NYACK, NY: Trump rails, rants, and says he’ll ruin her, but he’s actually scared to death of the foul-mouthed comedian. Threaten as he might, he wouldn’t dare step foot on Rosie’s compound of five houses, nestled along the shores of the Hudson River just a dozen miles from downtown Manhattan. O’Donnell is so confident she can protect up to 1000 NYC liberals on her property, she even taunted Trump recently with this tweet: “Got #liberals, #dems, #lesbos, #queers right here, Schlump. Come anywhere near, I cut #Donniesballs off.”

ITTOQQORTOORMIIT, GREENLAND: You can’t find a place on the map if you can’t spell it, and god knows Trump will never be able to spell Ittoqqortoormiit. So as long as the new Republican president remains stupid and illiterate, you’ll be safe here. The remote town is inhabited mostly by indigenous Inuit, who hunt whale, seal and polar bear for food. What are the chances of Trump ever putting whale, seal, or polar bear meat in his mouth? Zero. See, you’re safe. Pronunciation is the only thing you’ll ever have to worry about in Ittoqqortoormiit.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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