Some of the world’s most prominent leaders were asked to evaluate Donald Trump’s performance as president, 500 days into his first term.
Here’s what they had to say:
Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany. Grade Given: D-
“Mr. Trump appears to be completely unfamiliar with the workings of government, political protocol, international trade agreements, or even the courtesy of shaking hands. He is grown man in an emotional diaper. I have never met such an insolent impostor of power in all my life. I would have given him an ‘F’ but felt he deserved some credit for politely refraining from grabbing my … well, you know.”
Vladimir Putin, President of Russia. Grade Given: A-
“Donald is a remarkably insecure, malleable moron and he is serving us well. He has done everything we’ve asked of him except give us the codes to America’s nuclear arsenal which are still pending. We have Trump where we want him — a high-quality videotape of a powerful man taking a piss bath is a very persuasive negotiating tool. And he would not want to lose his privileges with our stable of fabulous underage Ukrainian prostitutes, either. Such a laughable fool, this man, but the perfect puppet for our world domination master plan.”
Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister of Australia. Grade Given: F-
“If it was possible to give this bludger a ‘Z’ in your evaluation system, I would. He is not only rude and arrogant, he is dumb and dangerous. A total arse. How stupid do you have to be to alienate one of your longest standing and most loyal allies within 72-hours of becoming president? Pretty stupid. In fact, I have met kangaroos in the outback with a higher IQ than Donald Trump.”
Enrique Peña Nieto, President of Mexico. Grade Given: D+
“I am despised in my country almost as much as Donald Trump is hated in America, so I have sympathy for the man. But not much. He has viciously disparaged and humiliated the Mexican people with his comments about us being rapists and criminals. I think you have a phrase in your country that serves as a suitable retort to Mr. Trump: ‘It takes one to know one.’ But I must say we are now grateful for the wall he is building on our border at his taxpayers’ expense. Because, with any luck, it will successfully keep Ivanka and Jared out of our country and away from our resorts. Such ghastly people, those two.”
Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea. Grade Given: B+
“Despite what a lot of people think, Don and I have a great relationship, very close. He’s in a sticky situation with Russia right now, and I get that. Because I’ve got my hands full with China. We talked it over months ago and decided that a little nukie-nukie over South Korea might be just the kind of distraction that would buy us both some time to get back in our groove. Don’s alright. I look forward to meeting him face-to-face in our upcoming summit and tasting his skin. It looks delicious.”
Sergio Mattarella, President of Italy. Grade Given: D+
“Many are familiar with the name given to the great shame of Italy, Benito Mussolini — we called him Il Duce, or chief. In a similar vein, we are now calling Donald Trump, Il Dunce. It suits him perfectly. I will admit that he did score some points with me for his tailoring. Very nice suits, good cloth — however his ties are too long and taping them in the back is tolerated nowhere in Italy except some impoverished regions in Sicily and one tacky neighborhood in Naples.”
Emmanuel Macron, President of France. Grade Given: D
We have a good word in French to describe Donald Trump — un drageur. It best translates as pick-up artist or sexual vulture. I consider this despicable man as no more than a crude misogynist with a drageur’s ability to get into the underpants of the American people. Now they are paying the price — feeling foolish and denying their culpability. He is a joke, but a disastrous one. Plus, I want him to stay far away from Brigitte.”
Dilma Roussef, Former President of Brazil: Grade Given: Not applicable
“You think I really give a shit about that bumbling bozo? I was impeached, you understand, impeached?! Now I’m just trying to avoid being thrown in prison for 12 years, like Lula, or getting shot by government assassins when I step out on my terrace with my coffee in the morning. So you and Donald Trump can kiss my ample Brazilian ass. Just let him know that he’ll be going out the same way I did — with a knee in his back as he’s thrown out the door.”
Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. Grade Given: CC
“As the leader of a country that shares a border with the United States, I want to be careful in evaluating Mr. Trump at this midpoint in his presidency. It is not an easy job, as I, too, found out with a sharp learning curve early in my tenure. So I do think Donald Trump deserves a chance to prove that he is not a racist, misogynistic, ill-prepared, thin-skinned, unpredictable loose cannon. In the meantime, I will give Mr. Trump and his administration a pending grade of CC — for ‘Clown Car.’”
Xi Jinping, President of China. Grade Given: A+
“Everyone who thinks America will be the dominant player on the world stage after Donald Trump’s presidency, please raise your hand. Okay…I see no hands. Good. Now you know why the Chinese people are celebrating 2018 as the ‘Year of the Orangutan.’ There is no question that Donald Trump will go down in Chinese history as the greatest American president to rule the former United States.”
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.