We’ve Reached The End Of The World — Here’s How You Can Tell
If Pete Rose is inducted into Hall of Fame, and opossums stop faking death because they really are, drop everything and run
#10. Opossums have stopped faking their deaths
These wily marsupials realize that “playing possum” isn’t going to save their butts when the extermination of all sentient life is upon us. Instead, equipped with their superb acting abilities, the entire species is fleeing to Orlando to audition for a series of animated Disney wildlife and children’s movies, believing they’ll be safe once converted into digitally enhanced fantasy characters with SAG-AFTRA protections.
#9. Joel Osteen is wrapping up his TV ministry
The usually upbeat and optimistic TV evangelist is calling it quits saying that the unconditional love and unending hope found in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ hasn’t amounted to a hill of lima beans when it really matters. Osteen and his wife, Victoria, say they plan to leave their megachurch in Houston and wait things out at a swingers paradise in the Greek islands.
#8. Carnival announces that all future cruises will be to nowhere — and stay there
With no need to ferry cruise passengers back to their home ports, Carnival has decided to let its fleet of luxury liners explore the sevens seas until it runs out of fuel. Dramamine will be provided free to all passengers unaccustomed to the relentless rocking of a vessel that’s lost power. Carnival has also told cruise customers that once the 5-star food service has exhausted its supply of provisions, seniors and retirees will be the first to be cannibalized.
#7. The last surviving conspirators in the Kennedy assassination turn themselves in
Saying, “who gives a shit now,” two men who were briefly glimpsed behind a fence on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22, 1963, have surrendered to FBI agents in Texas. The men, now in their 80’s, admit that Lee Harvey Oswald was just a patsy and that the JFK shooting was carefully orchestrated by the Mafia, with help from the Cubans and Russians. Not only did the two former hitmen draw a detailed schematic of their triangulated shooting positions for FBI agents (who really didn’t care one way or the other at this point), they produced the actual rifles used in the assassination. The FBI thanked the men for their cooperation and released them on their own recognizance.
#6. Major League Baseball inducts Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame
Hoping to give the man they call “Charlie Hustle” a few moments of pride before people stop going to the Cooperstown institution permanently, Commissioner Rob Manfred made an executive decision to induct Pete Rose into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Upon receiving the news, Rose was overcome with something that looked like tears, but may have been sweat dripping from his toupee.
#5. Screen Gems abruptly announces that Resident Evil:The Final Chapter isn’t the final chapter
After just releasing the sixth and final installment of the apocalyptic film series this month, Screen Gems has reversed course and will resurrect the Resident Evil franchise forthwith. A new final, final film will capture the real-life global apocalypse and will star an orange-hued villain named Donger Drumpfevel. Screen Gems expects to have the dark action thriller filmed, edited, and released well before the 2020 midterm elections — the window of time the studio believes it has from now until Armageddon.
#4. Taylor Swift releases 338 new songs simultaneously
The 27-year-old international singing sensation has a backlog of 338 new songs that she had hoped to release over the next seven years. But with the world at the brink of collapse, the vibrant pop star has decided to dump the entire catalog of catchy tunes on her fans next Sunday. Music industry observers say that there will most likely be seventy to eighty chart toppers in the mix.
#3. Buckingham Palace says Queen Elizabeth will ride the crown to the finish line
Dashing any hopes of a potential heir trying on the crown for a brief spell, Buckingham Palace has announced that Queen Elizabeth will continue for all eternity her nasty habit of not sharing. Neither Prince Charles, his sons Prince William and Prince Harry, nor that sexpot red-headed princess with the weight problem, will be enjoying a coronation in this lifetime. The 90-year-old queen is said to be particularly pleased that her decision to stay on as supreme monarch until the planet is reduced to smoldering embers will make it impossible for that slut Camilla Parker Bowles ever to lie in the King’s chambers.
#2. Apple ceases production of iPhones, shifts all manufacturing to Emergency Survival Radios (ESR)
Don’t count on an iPhone 8 upgrade anytime soon. Apple has just ordered all its manufacturing facilities worldwide to focus on producing emergency crank radios that can keep people informed indefinitely in the event of a flash flood, hurricane, or nuclear winter. Every ESR model in Apple’s new iSurvive series is equipped with a dynamo crank generator to keep it charged not matter how hot or windy it gets in the blast zone. The first Apple iSurvive radios will be available in Cabela’s stores, Bass Pro Shops, and the LL Bean catalog by May 1st.
And the final reason you can be certain we’ve come to the end of time…
#1. A psychotic megalomaniac is in charge of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal
No, not Vladimir Putin, but you’re getting warm. We’re talking about his favorite string puppet, Donald Trump. With one slip of the thumb, the American marionette could end life on earth as we know it…and assume his rightful place as King of the Zombies.
And so it is.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.