Donald Trump assured America on Saturday that not only is he a “genius,” but a “very stable genius at that.”
With this important matter settled, let’s take a look at some other self-absorbed, certifiable megalomaniacs through history who stand out for their self-proclaimed mental stability and utterly deranged attempts to destroy their own people and the world:
Everybody’s Favorite African Intellectual, Idi Amin: The lovable 1970’s dictator of Uganda, Idi Amin Dada, was so smart, he knew it was critical to eat his enemies after killing them to keep them dead. And history records that he might have gorged on as many as 800,000 deceased military leaders, civilians, politicians, and scholars during his brutal reign. By contrast, President Trump is believed to have eaten no more than a couple hundred of his enemies — BLOTUS has to watch that waistline!
The Cerebral Communist, Joseph Stalin: The mustached mastermind of the Soviet Union had a definite mean streak. He was not only the erudite architect of the gulags — brutal Soviet prison camps where political prisoners were tossed by the hundreds of thousands — but when his own son was captured by the Germans in WWII he did not fight for the boy’s release because he said he didn’t negotiate with fascists. Similarly, it is believed that when Donald Trump Jr. is finally arrested for conspiring with the Russians, President Trump will also stand by like Stalin, stone-faced and cold-hearted, unwilling to negotiate with the Feds.
Gifted Leader of the Mongolian Empire, Genghis Khan: Considered the Einstein of his day, and alternately a ruthless murderer and psychopath, the great Genghis Khan ruled more than 12 million square miles of the far east with an iron fist and a lead-poisoned brain. He was such a brilliant military strategist that people would line up voluntarily to be killed by him, and it is believed that as many as 40 million of his enemy were “Khanned,” as they called death by the Mongol back then. The bloodthirsty conqueror wrought so much devastation, he likely wiped out 11% of the world’s population. In an attempt to improve on that record, Donald Trump has been talking about using America’s vast nuclear arsenal to exterminate as much as 15% of the earth’s population in just a few hours, starting with those disposable Koreans. Eat your heart out, Genghis!
The Righteous and Rational, Adolf Hitler: There wasn’t a Jew or gypsy in the whole of Europe who wasn’t impressed, suppressed, and oppressed by the Austro-German genius. He came up with the haunting idea of “concentration camps,” which were not actually places where great thinkers could focus, but rather fenced in compounds where academics, musicians, and artists were sent to die. Turns out these “camps” were not conducive to study or outdoor play at all. Nevertheless, we say Heil to the Head Case!
Mastermind of the Middle East, Muammar Qaddafi: Not only a wise tyrant but a sartorial genius, too, with some of the smartest outfits in Libya and beyond. Many believe Qaddafi could have been a fashion designer in Paris if he hadn’t chosen to become a dictator instead and assassinate thousands of Libyan political dissidents. This revered creative genius in the arts of both couture and torture stands out for his expertise in explosives, in particular the blowing up of Pan Am Flight 103 over Scotland in 1988.
The Very Virtuous, Vlad the Impaler: You know you’re an evil genius when your legacy becomes the inspiration for Count Dracula. A connoisseur of fine food, Vlad III, ruler of Wallachia in the 1400's, was known for dipping his bread in the blood of vanquished enemies on the battlefield. He was also clever in the use of the long spike, inserting it anally into his detractors and watching it come out of their mouths. It takes more than a dummy to pull that one off without hitting a vital organ or two.
The Brainiac Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il: If you think his son is brilliant, you should have seen the gazillion extra neurons the old man was carrying around inside his skull. Jong Il was so clever he somehow convinced his people that he didn’t urinate or defecate and could control the weather. Not peeing or shitting is pretty amazing, but managing the weather? That takes seriously stable gray matter.
Always of Sound Mind, Sadaam Hussein: Similar to Mr. Trump, Iraq’s Sadaam Hussein enjoyed telling his people, “I’m, like, really smart.” And no one disputed it, for fear of losing hands, feet, ears, penises, breasts, even noses. I ask you, who’s going to challenge a man’s intellectual superiority when facing the loss of his face? But Sadaam’s most prodigal trait was his great capacity to understand the suffering of his people and to summarily ignore it. Donald Trump seems to have a similar gift.
Benito “Brains and Brawn” Mussolini: “Il Duce,” as he was called by his fellow Italians, was a bully and a bastard even as a child, with a smart mouth, too. He was also skilled in stabbing. He stabbed a boarding school classmate at age 10, left another unlucky kid bloodied at a different school, even put a knife through the arm of his girlfriend as a teenager. Later, he graduated to swords and boasted about having more than 100 blade punctures. Oh, and then he became a fascist dictator during WWII, allied with the Nazis, and killed many of his rivals just for sport.
The Fun-Loving Emperor with the Super Cerebrum, Caligula: No man had a keener sense of how to terrorize and tear down the masses like this fruit loop of a Roman ruler who was notoriously paranoid, suspicious, and demanded loyalty from all in his imperial court (sound like anyone you know?). Most notably, this young wizard of wickedness, who came to power in Rome in A.D. 37 after killing his cousin, was known for “immoral sexual escapades, and disrespect toward tradition and the Senate” (again, this is Caligula we’re talking about, not Donald Trump). Many considered Caligula crazy, but he was just crazy like a fox.
Or an American president.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.