President Donald Trump alienated more of the world on Thursday during a meeting with members of Congress on immigration reform, in which he asked why he should accept immigrants from “shithole countries” rather than people from places like Norway.
As the meeting continued the president ran down a list of his “shittiest shithole countries,” ones he said should definitely “keep their citizens home in their huts and caves and not send them to America.”
Here are the 10 countries he mentioned and his reasoning for forbidding any of their citizens from receiving legal immigrant status here:
New Zealand: “A very reliable source told me that those filthy Kiwis screw more of their sheep than their women. That’s where syphilis started, everyone knows that. I love a good lambchop, but I don’t want to fuck it. Bottom line, I don’t want people from New Zealand over here grabbing our billy goats from behind.”
Angola: “I heard that dreadlocks started there. Are people from Angola, an African nation by the way, going to come here, grab our children, and try to braid their hair? We have to stand strong against dreads and marijuana, and marijuana then leads to opioids — we have a very big problem here with opioids — and then we’re off to the races. No Angolans.”
Guyana: “Lizards are not people and should not be allowed into this country. I knew a kid back in Queens who had a Guyanan as a pet. Do you know they eat insects?! You heard me right — insects. Plus Guyanans are green. With scales. We don’t need any green lizard people here.”
Liechtenstein: “That country is full of Jews. How do I know? The ‘Stein’ at the end. It’s a giveaway. Weinstein. Einstein. Perlstein. Do I have to say more? We don’t need extra Jews in this country. Jared is already one Jew too many. Little wimp. So I’m adding Liechtenstein to my list.”
Sierra Leone: “Someone told me everyone over there has diamonds covered in blood. ‘Bloody diamonds,’ they call them. They can send me their diamonds, but that blood has to stay behind. It’s AIDS blood, because it’s from Africa. Dangerous blood. I don’t want them spreading blood diseases. But we’ll be happy to take their diamonds.”
Slovenia: “Right now, I’m not getting along with Melania. She’s been very bad, nasty. If we let in people from her country, her mother will probably sneak in, too, and what a irritating crone she is. I can’t stand her. The only way to keep my mother-in-law out is to keep all the Slovenians out.”
England: “The Brits used to be our allies. Now they are a bunch of shitheads from a shithole country. Why? Because first they invited me over there to ride in a horse carriage with the Queen, very sophisticated, very fancy, then they take it back, then they ask me again, and now they act like they’re too good for me. Fuck them and their bad teeth and tea. Let them all rot in the rain. And then there’s Obama’s ugly new embassy over there — no way I’m ribbon cutting for it now. Bottom line, England is a total shithole.”
Micronesia: “I didn’t even know this was a country, honestly, I thought it was a medicine. But someone told me, someone I totally trust, that people from Micronesia are not only very, very small people, but also suffer from amnesia. So they could get lost in crowds over here and not know where they are and then start knocking on the doors of good Americans asking for food and directions. That would cut into valuable American TV time and, I think everyone would agree with me, that’s too disruptive. Don’t mention Micronesians to me again.”
Bosnia and Herzegovina: “What we have here are two countries trying to be one country. That’s cheating. You’re either Bosnia or Herzegovina. Not both. Decide which you want to be, then reapply. Until then, no Bozies, no Herzes.”
Mexico: “This is the biggest shithole country on earth. Am I right? Everybody down there is in a gang or a drug cartel and they’re all drunk on tequila so they don’t have to wake up and realize they live in a shithole country and then have to eat another meal of fart beans. I’m telling you, the faster we can get my wall up and keep the wetbacks out, the faster we can get back to making America white again. Wait, did I say white? I meant great.”
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