Truth In Satire

10 Other Donald Trump Pet Peeves That He Considers “An Attack On Our Country”

After calling a legal F.B.I. raid on his lawyer’s office an attack on the nation, president adds additional personal irritants to the list

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Mr. Trump says the country is under attack when he isn’t allowed to send Hillary Clinton to Guantanamo without a trial. (Credit: skanaa.com)

resident Trump apparently considers anything he doesn’t like “an attack on our country.”

This includes more than just raids on his personal lawyer’s office, peeks at his tax returns, and scrutiny of his contact with Russian agents.

Over the weekend, the president identified 10 other pet peeves that he called “not only disgraceful, but an attack on our country in the true sense.”

Here is Mr. Trump’s list of additional POTUS45-approved assaults on our nation:

  1. In a stunning display of twisted logic, the president called not supporting Russian oligarchs by letting them launder rubles in the U.S. “an assault on our nation in a very real sense.” Democrats in Congress are asking for documentation to substantiate this claim. Republicans are asking for their cut.
  2. Mr. Trump says that impeding a president’s right to have extramarital affairs is “an assault on the accepted sexist norms that have made America great.” The First Lady has her lawyers checking the legal basis for her husband’s assertion.
  3. When he is prevented from “demonstrating the full killing power of my nuclear arsenal by obstructionist generals and Cabinet members who question my authority,” the president says, “our country is under siege.” High-ranking military officials say there is no precedent for this president.
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(Credit: socialistmop.com)

4. The president says that not hanging Hillary Clinton upside down by her ankles from the spire atop the Washington Monument “until the last breath leaves her highly-educated, overly qualified body is an affront to red state citizens everywhere.” The National Park Service has called using a national monument to inflict a cruel and unusual punishment, without due process, “highly inappropriate and blatantly illegal.”

5. “All the really great world leaders are claiming ‘president for life’ status to keep their countries amazing into the future and if America doesn’t do the same immediately, it’s going to be a disaster, believe me,” declared Mr. Trump. “Look at Xi Pingpong of China and my good friend Vlad Putin in Russia. They were cheered for declaring themselves eternal rulers, and I would like to receive the same kind of historic ovation…for the good of the country.” The five living American presidents — Jimmy Carter, George H. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama — issued a joint statement calling Donald Trump “a dangerous traitor and possibly the spawn of demons and spellcasters.”

6. “Schools without guns is like baseball without apple pie,” proclaimed Mr. Trump last week. “I’ve never heard of a bigger travesty or more horrible slight on all that Americans hold dear.” Agreeing with the president, the NRA plans to hold “Back To School Shootings Day” across the country next fall.

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(Credit: rawstory.com)

7. Mr. Trump contends that not ripping up the South Lawn of the White House to put in a 9-hole golf course is “a kick in the teeth to the great traditions of American sports that herald the superiority of our nation.” Jack Nicklaus, an icon of the golf world, called the president’s proposal to destroy sacred White House grounds to erect a limited-use, pitch-and-putt course “beyond stupid.”

8. Apparently forgetting that freedom of expression and a free press are two inviolable pillars of American democracy, Donald Trump believes that he has the right to shut down all print and electronic media companies because “they make me look bad, and when the president looks bad, the nation looks bad, and that’s bad, and its a horrible attack on our country and my important great image.” The American Civil Liberties Union, a longtime defender of First Amendment rights, is suing the president for simply implying that the executive branch can silence the media.

9. In a related personal attack on his country, the president says that only Fox News can be trusted, “and if Fox isn’t given ‘state-sanctioned news service’ status, just like it’s done in all the other modern countries like Russia, China and Turkey, then it’s a huge disservice to the American people and the equivalent of being attacked by a foreign nation or by zombie flying Nazi sharks.” People for the American Way called the president’s attempt to turn Fox into a state news organization “not only NOT an attack on the country, but an ill-advised effort by Mr. Trump to strike a death blow to our constitutional values.”

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Trump says a perimeter wall that’s not as huge as China’s “is an insult to America’s tradition of making the biggest things.” (Credit: www.britannica.com)

10. “America is made to look puny and insignificant when China has a greater wall than we do,” said the president recently. “If Congress doesn’t give me the money that I want to build a 500 ft. tall wall around the entire perimeter of the United States, minus Hawaii and Alaska, I will hold all Democrats and a few traitorous Republicans in contempt of me.” Legal scholars are scouring 200 years of case literature to find any basis for “presidential walls” being protected under the Constitution.

The president has also stated that he reserves the right to add things to his list of “attacks on our country,” and that if they “add up to a total of 20, I get four more years in the White House automatically. Everyone knows that.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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