Special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation and subsequent indictments are quickly making an abbreviated Trump presidency seem more likely.
But in addition to obstruction of justice and Russian collusion charges being some of the more serious crimes leveled against the president, some lesser allegations could also end his reign of unholy terror. At the very least, they will secure his place as the dumbest, most inept, and embarrassing president in American history.
Here, then, are the 10 “lesser” impeachable offenses that hardly anyone mentions:
Using Expired Bottles of Grecian Formula Hair Dye: Mueller is investigating if expired Grecian Formula hair coloring can cause severe brain damage by leaching dangerous chemicals into the user’s gray matter. There has to be some explanation for the rapid decline of the Mr. Trump’s mental capacities and his obvious inability to carry out even the simplest duties of his presidency. Mueller has his forensic chemists looking closely at the Grecian. Verdict: Careless Product Selection/ Impeachable
Abuse of Capital Letters in Social Media Communications: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MAN THINKING ask respected experts in the proper punctuation of social media communications. Because Mr. Trump overuses and abuses capitalization in his daily tweets, he has necessarily offended the targets of those Twitter messages, primarily foreign allies and enemies, who believe him to be yelling at them. Often termed “Capitalization Humiliation” by Twitterverse experts, the president puts the nation in danger by over-capitalizing with little regard for its impact on others. Verdict: Reckless Capitalization/ Impeachable
Impersonating a Qualified and Legitimate American President: Mr. Trump duped millions of Americans (but three million less than Hillary Clinton) into thinking he was a competent candidate for the highest office in the land. In fact he actually had no experience, zero credentials, a limited education, a third-grade vocabulary, the scruples of a car salesman, the compassion of a rabid dog, an inability to read or write, no familiarity with the Constitution, and a vendetta against his predecessor that has made it impossible for him to make decisions based on the best interests of the people but rather only on the depth of his resentment and contempt. He is merely doing an impersonation of a president and a lousy one at that. Verdict: Deceitful Mimicry/Impeachable
Endorsing Child Molesters, Pedophiles, and Rapists: Traditionally, the President of the United States is expected to set a high moral standard by which the children of this nation can model their own ethical and principled behavior. Mr. Trump’s conduct in office, however, is more like a beacon into the basement. And his conduct before taking office…forget it. Recently he threw his political support to the lowest form of mankind, even for a politician — a pedophile (see Roy Moore). Verdict: Disgusting Deportment/ Impeachable
Applying Scotch Tape to the Back of Neckties: This behavior has never before been observed in a sitting president or any other man with any degree of self-respect. It has necessitated countless apologies from Americans to their foreign friends and associates working in the fashion industry. Congressional investigators believe the president’s Scotch Tape faux pas might violate the “Sartorial Approval Act” of the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution. Verdict: Embarrassing Behavior/Impeachable
Exploiting a Lifeless Mannequin and Forcing Her to Become a First Lady: It is certainly bad enough to take advantage of actual living and breathing women, but to force a mannequin into political servitude is both bizarre and disturbing. The plastic female form Mr. Trump refers to as “Melania” is obviously non-human, as evidenced by her recent White House Christmas decor which lacks any connection to sensate impulses or desires. While it is understandable for a man with the conversation skills of Donald Trump to desire the company of a mannequin, it is unacceptable for him to make this life-sized doll his First Lady. Verdict: Inappropriate Exploitation/ Impeachable
Playing Golf in Public: Too many Americans have had to run to the toilet after catching sight of Donald Trump wearing golf attire. The image of his corpulent body shimmied into an ill-fitting white golf shirt with a red USA cap holding down his toupee is nauseating and troublesome. A number of Secret Service agents assigned to follow the president on the golf course have become so violently ill watching his lard layers shake as he drives a ball down the fairway that they were forced back to the clubhouse nurse’s office. Endangering the health and welfare of the citizens to whom you are sworn to protect is a federal crime. Verdict: Gross Golfing/Impeachable
Overuse of the A-Okay Hand Gesture: Once a week you could maybe forgive it, but using the A-Okay hand gesture with every single verbal statement you make? No, absolutely not. The president’s misappropriation of a hand motion that is intended to comfort people, assuring them that all is well in the world, is misleading and cruel. No one is permitted to wave the A-Okay sign around when things are actually in a state of complete chaos. This can lull American citizens into a false sense of security, and cause them to disengage from their local politicians and the workings of their government, which may, in fact, be Donald Trump’s objective in the first place with his careless application of the A-Okay. Verdict: Misleading Hand Gestures/Impeachable
Cheetos in Bed: Not just any bed, the historic four-poster canopy bed in the Lincoln Bedroom! White House sources are telling a Senate investigative panel that the president frequently retires to the celebrated Lincoln Bedroom with a bag of his favorite nighttime snack, Cheetos. He becomes so engaged watching The Rachel Maddow Show and reruns of Seinfeld that he carelessly drops Cheetos on the vintage quilts and in between the mattress and the rosewood bed frame. He also smudges the orange, gritty snack food against the massive antique headboard. His disregard for Americana is simply appalling. Verdict: Messy Snacking/Impeachable
Peddling Inferior Quality Presidential Souvenirs: Mr. Trump’s full line of souvenir gifts — from his MAGA caps and Donald Smug Mugs to POTUS45 t-shirts and “plug nickel” commemorative coins — are the lowest quality mementos ever offered by the White House gift shop. The products are so cheaply-made that there have been a series of recalls by the Better Business Bureau. Nevertheless, Mr. Trump boldly continues to sell his exorbitantly priced, shoddy products on an official government website because he has a long history of ignoring cease-and-desist orders issued by the BBB and suffering limited repercussions. Verdict: Trash Hawking/Impeachable
I want to thank all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.