The White House says that President Trump is more determined than ever to deliver a barn burner of a State of the Union address on Tuesday night.
The president apparently told his head speechwriter, the diabolical cyborg Stephen Miller, that he wants to use the address to drive home some of his most extreme policy positions and satisfy his base, even suggesting several hard-hitting lines that he wanted the dispassionate automaton to consider.
But the robotic Miller found ten of the sentences too controversial for even his evil ears, as well as potential ammunition for special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of Mr. Trump’s presidency, so he put the kibosh on retaining the lines.
A source inside the White House, however, leaked the offensive language discarded from President Trump’s speech, one he’s scheduled to deliver to Congress and the country tonight at 9:00pm EST:
- “If you want me to make America truly great again, then I will require a lot more cooperation from the military generals who must listen to me when I say that major cities need to be occupied by the army to keep our streets safer and the meddling opposition off of them.”
2. “My fantastic tax bill will allow many more wealthy people to offer small bonuses to their Mexican gardeners, cleaning ladies, and pool boys. Anybody who says that my beautiful tax cut won’t benefit the fence hoppers who’ve come into this country illegally from rundown shacks in Tijuana, doesn’t understand the love I have for Miguel, Maria, and all the other four-foot pachucos out there.”
3. “I have said it before, and I want all of America to hear it again tonight — there was no collusion. Let’s get this straight — never any collusion. NO COLLUSION OR OBSTRUCTION! EVER! Which is why it is necessary for me to fire Robert Mueller tonight so we can stop wasting taxpayers’ dollars trying to prove that all that fake Russian election interference was paid for with campaign donations. Didn’t happen.”
4. “I am not and never have been a racist. That is fake news spread primarily by the Black Lives Matter organization as well as other nasty, biscuit-lipped Africoons.”
5. “I’d like everyone to give a big hand for our First Lady. Look at her up there, shooting daggers down at me. Melania hasn’t been very talkative the last couple weeks because of that Stormy Daniels thing. But I said, ‘Babe, what are you so sore about — I wasn’t going to marry her, I just wanted to bobble her knockers for a little while.’ In fact, if I wasn’t giving this talk here tonight I’d be tuned into ABC right now, watching those mind-blowing bazooms bust their bra straps on Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
6. “I have really good news to report tonight. Mexico has agreed to pay for my wall with a loan from Norway and a little friendly pressure from Russia. The only provision is that the wall has to be called ‘The Putin Partition,’ which I think is very reasonable. ”
7. “The stock market has been going up like never before in history, almost 50% since I took office. It would have gone down 50%, or maybe even 90% the way we were headed, if Crooked Hillary had been elected. So I think I deserve an extended standing ovation for making this incredible stock market boom possible. And I don’t want just the lackeys and bootlickers on the Republican side of the aisle to stand, but also Pocahontas, Schmuck Schumer, Nancy Belalugosi, and the rest of the Democrats over there.”
8. “Tonight I am proud to announce that Ivanka Trump, who has a lot of experience as a successful businesswoman and social media blogger, will be taking over the dual roles of Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader. Isn’t she great? Honey, you look amazing tonight. Okay, Paul, Mitch, you’ve done a fine job. Thank you. Goodbye.”
9. “I, and I alone, know how to stop ISIS because I know what those towelheads really want — attention, exposure, and fame. That is why in 2018, I am going to introduce a plan to offer ISIS its own TV show in exchange for not chopping off the heads of Christians anymore. This show, which will feature hot Islamic babes stepping out of their burkas, which I’m going to call The Righteous ISIS Dating Game, will get lots of visibility, very high ratings. Not as high as locking people up in cages and burning them alive, but still a very sizable global audience.”
10. “I’m going to stop here for a just second and take a quick sip of water. Turn the cameras off, please. Turn them off. I said TURN THE FUCKING CAMERAS OFF!”
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
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