A lot of very important people have been asking me how I’ve been able to dismantle America’s democracy in less than a year when it took more than a couple hundred years to put it in place.
To be honest, it’s been so easy, even I was surprised. All it takes is a lot of smarts, which I have because I come from really great genes, the best, and the willingness to do what no president has done before me: tear down the pillars of democracy with absolutely no guilt or misgivings.
So here are Donald J. Trump’s “10 Easy Steps To Dismantling A Democracy,” which I’m making available to any world leader for the low, low price of just $49,995, which includes a two-minute follow-up phone chat with me, The President of the Failing United States.
Here you go. Pay attention:
- First, sign a bunch of over-the-top immigration orders that keep the very people who built your country out of it — I’m talking about working-class immigrants. Take it from me, the “melting pot” idea that everyone thinks is at the core of a free and open society is so chock full of rotten vegetables it poisons the soup. An all white, Christian, homogeneous nation works way better. I know it and you know it.
- When you get on the phone with foreign allies, or meet them in person, act like an absolute lunatic. Soon they’ll have no trust in you, or the country you represent, and the underpinnings of international cooperation that help legitimatize your democracy will come undone. This tearing down of trust takes only a few months.
- With foreign adversaries, do much the same thing, but ramp up the lunacy to the level of “raving madman.” This not only unnerves your enemies, it will further alienate your allies, who will then create even more distance between you and them. Rattling the world order in this way will help weaken the foundations of your democracy to the breaking point.
- Call the media “fake news” every chance you get, and make the press look like a bunch of bozos in your daily tweets. It didn’t take me long to find out that the “4th Estate” crumbles under constant criticism faster than Mitch McConnell’s knees during a legislative battle.
- Cripple any other branches of government you have by undermining their legitimacy and beating up on their leadership. Call Senators spineless weaklings, congressmen and congresswomen ineffective establishment shills, your department of justice corrupt conspirators, and your intelligence community disloyal. Plant the seeds of suspicion wherever and whenever possible and you’ll set a fire under your democracy that Abe Lincoln’s urine stream couldn’t put out.
- Don’t bother reading your country’s constitution because it will be filled with stupid rules that make it harder, not easier to make your country great again. The U.S. Constitution, for example, gets in the way of my great leadership instincts all the time. Speaking of urine streams, I’d like to piss on that pathetic piece of parchment. In fact, I am going to do that next time I have to take a leak.
- Might is white, white is might! Everyone knows the strength of America is in its Caucasians. All other races, creeds and colors just turn the milk to mud. Marginalize the minority masses and you’ll not only destroy your democracy, but your newly formed despotic state will be rock solid.
- Any time your party loses an election at any level, from nationwide to local contests, cast doubt on the outcome. Questioning the legitimacy of your election process, demanding recounts, and claiming rampant voter fraud will make it difficult for anyone to claim an outright mandate (as I did by securing the presidency by the largest majority in American history).
- Tweet craziness at all hours to keep your citizenry scared and off-balance every minute of every day. New technology makes people nervous anyway. Which makes using powerful social platforms like Twitter or Facebook to destabilize your nation easy-peasy. Me and Vlad wrote the book on this.
- After you destabilize the shit out of it, replace your democracy with an oligarchy, monarchy, or dictatorship. If you’re a student of history, as I am (I went to an Ivy League school, very smart), you know that a benevolent dictatorship is actually the only form of government that works. And I am not only benevolent, I am a great boss. I made my fortune bossing people around. Ask any employee of my five-star, world-renowned Trump hotels, spa resorts, and golf clubs. Which reminds me — call now and you’ll enjoy 10% off a one-week stay at any of the amazing Trump properties across the globe during our first annual “Down With Democracy Sale”—and tell them The Donald sent you!
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.