Cecil Gaines, who has been serving presidents in the White House since the late 1950’s, was fired by Donald Trump on Wednesday for disloyalty.
“I wasn’t that shocked, to be honest,” said the 94-year-old Gaines, who was most recently employed as a private quarters assistant to the First Family. “I thought me and the president, we were on good terms, but he turned out to be a real bastard from hell, pardon me for saying so.”
After the election, according to Gaines, “the president he was cursing and swearing and kicking the furniture in the Oval Office, looking for someone to blame for his defeat. Then he turned to me, started calling me all sorts of names, saying I didn’t defend him with ‘the coloreds,” that I should go back to my ‘shithole country.’ I told him I was born right here, that I’m one-hundred percent American. After that, he just up and fired me, said Jared Kushner would me to show me to the door. …
Donald Trump is about to get a “stunning” new car.
The gift was announced by General Motors CEO Mary Barra, after the president scolded her for reversing a decision backing his attempts to prevent California from setting stricter emission standards.
“We’ll be sending Mr. Trump a Chevy Volt this week with a lot of extra voltage,” said Barra on Wednesday. “We hope this will jolt the president into realizing the future of America and the world is clean energy, not gas or HOT AIR!”
The Chevy Volt has been GM’s signature electric car but upping its voltage could prove to be dangerous to the president. …
Thanksgiving Day dinner at the Trump family table is going to get ugly this year.
With every member of Benedict Donald’s inner circle in serious trouble, and daddy’s legal protections coming to an end, the lucky wishbone might be everyone’s best hope for avoiding the law…and a lockup.
When dinner is served at the White House on Thursday, a historic fight for the turkey wishbone is certain. Here is the wish each Trump family member is “pulling for” when he or she reaches for the bird to snatch that blessed bone:
Eric Trump: “I wish to complete my transformation as a vampire so I can hide in the family crypt during the day and emerge only at night when I’ll be virtually invisible to the police. As a mature vampire, I can continue to suck the blood and empty the wallets of all the MAGA fools who followed my father, while I steer clear of prosecutions for decades! Now I just have to avoid garlic necklaces and stakes through my heart.” …
Donald Trump refused to pardon the national Thanksgiving Day turkey on Monday, instead demanding that it be slaughtered and gobbled up during his family feast.
“Off with its head! Kill it!” the president gleefully cried out in the Rose Garden when the bird was brought out for the traditional pardon. “This feathered phony won’t be getting any mercy from me. If he isn’t part of a leftist plot to destroy my presidency, then he’s part of a Defund The Poultry conspiracy. I eat these traitors for lunch!”
Trump is the first commander in chief since John F. …
In it’s annual list of the world’s most dangerous beasts, the World Wildlife Fund has included the American Hippopotus.
“While many people are aware of the aggressive African hippopotamus, the American Hippopotus is actually more lethal, capable of destroying all life on the planet if it gets angry or feels threatened,” said Jake O’Fauna, WWF president.
Unlike a hippopotamus, according to O’Fauna, the American Hippopotus is identified by a long metal-like snout growing from both front paws, which it uses to scratch at short grass and beds of sand. …
With rumors rampant, Las Vegas is taking bets on a post-presidency split between Don and Melania.
These 12 revealing signs suggest that the First Couple is headed for a certain divorce…and soon:
1. He gave the First Lady’s seat on Air Force One to Hope Hicks.
2. Melania has told her therapist that she no longer feels “Donald is serious about working on the relationship.”
3. The Trumps have stopped spending their weekly bowling night together at the White House basement lanes.
4. Mailorder bride catalogs from Slavic countries have begun showing up again in the president’s private mailbox.
5. Friends say the two aren’t as giggly or playful with each other as they were before the election. …
After a feverish Rudy Giuliani appeared at an election fraud press conference on Thursday with black blood dripping from his ears, epidemiologists now believe this could be an serious symptom of Covid-19.
That concern became even more real when Giuliani’s son, Andrew, a no-show employee in the Trump administration who attended his father’s presser, tested positive for the coronavirus.
Asked how he was feeling, the senior Giuliani, who has been leading Trump’s team of ambulance chasers in their failed attempt to overturn the presidential election, said, “That wasn’t black blood, that was oil from a poisoned Venezuelan blowdart shot out of a Cuban cigar gun by an Antifa operative!”
Giuliani, who is now in quarantine, is also being tested for Satanism and insanity, according to his doctors.
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Donald Trump bragged to GOP donors on a Thursday phone call that “we’re getting record-setting numbers with these Covid deaths and topping all the charts worldwide.”
Trying to allay fears among his wealthy givers that the administration is hurting the country and the economy with its lack of an effective national response to the spreading pandemic, Trump stuck with the usual hyperbole.
“Look, nobody can believe our morbidity rates,” said the president. “We’re way bigger than Bush was on 9/11 … and that was only one day. This is every day!”
In fact, 2,977 people died in the attacks on September 11, 2001, while about 2000 Americans are dying now daily from the coronavirus, with no peak in sight. …
A group of corn and soybean farmers from the midwest have erected a Donald Trump statue made out of pure horseshit.
“The guy has screwed so many US farmers with his China trade war, we call him Donnie Dung in these parts,” said Cal Roster, a corn farmer from Illinois. “When one of our members suggested we put together this manure monument to that moron, we gathered up our cowpats quick.”
The group said it is eager to have the Trump turd tower shipped to Washington before the president is booted from the White House in January.
“It’ll stink up his state rooms for a couple days if we can get it into the Rose Garden,” said Mr. Roster. “That’s the goal. To let him know that from the American farmers standpoint, at least, his agricultural policies reeked of self-interest and did shit for us.” …
Donald Trump appears to be ending his presidency in loopy Ronald Reagan-style.
But where the dementia-ravaged Reagan was in his bedroom watching classic movies from his Hollywood heyday era, Trump is reported to be locked in the Oval Office reenacting episodes of the popular 1980’s TV soap opera, Dynasty.
“He told us all to call him Blake Carrington, the John Forsyte character,” said a White House insider who spoke off the record, “and he has family members playing the roles of Linda Evans and Joan Collins, with Don Jr. and Eric as his TV sons.”
“It’s pathetic really,” said a female aide who was asked to play the part of promiscuous daughter Fallon (Pamela Sue Martin). “He’s kind of slipped into his reality TV show alter ego. And he’s gone back to that ‘grabbing’ thing. …